Illustration by Thomas McCarthy Dildo Remix: Lisa Crowne

For a man so generally despised, the Teflon Don has some serious charm as Niall McCabe found out in this quickie chat.

rabble: So Taoisigh. How are you finding civilian life? Have you been up to anything recently?

Janey Macaroni! I do be sleepin in now I’m not da chief. Had me 60th last night in Croker, quite the Hooley! Charlie was der, Miriam and her fella Terry came along, He’s a bit of a sap but sure she’s happy. Coddle too good for him bejaysus! He’s a few sponds which is handy cos I’m bleedin short dese days and she’s always lookin money for hair do’s, liposuction and d-d-d-dildos. Nicky from Boyzone sang me favorite song, ‘Daydream Believer.’ He’s a lovely head a hair on him. I’m just glad Georgina has a nice fella, cos there was a time when she was runnin around with dogs, and sure you be gettin fleas off them. We had an oul sing song and raised a glass to Dev.

Tony Blair couldn’t make it as he was sortin out the Middle East, just like we sorted out da Nort. He sent me a gold lame limited edition of his boook with ‘dont let the bastards grind you down, Luv Tone’ written on it. Which was class, but then he’s a classy bloke. Big Ian sent me a copy of the ‘Protocols of the elders of Zion and the little finger of Calvin’, though where he keeps gettin all dese fingers and udder body parts I wouldn’t know. Nutin from McGuinness, prick. It was a great night spoiled only by McCreevey gettin out his lad to one of de Slovakian waitresses and his constant drunken quoting of Scarface. You’d think hangin out with dose Europeans would put manners on the cunt, but no, sure one sniff of the barmaids apron an he thinks he’s Jim McDaid.

rabble: There was talk of you being the next President of Ireland but a lot of people have put the state of the nation down to your stewardship?

De one ting about the Irish is dey are a bunch of small minded begrudgers, dey hate anyone whose done well for demselves, Sure just look at de way dey treated Seánie Fitzpatrick an Barry Egan, Charley woulda sorted dem out, like he did de Brits! As I don’t have a bank account I’ll have to ask one of me pals for a dig out, I don’t like doin dat, I’ve pride. But times are hard, Biffo ruined da place and I’ll probably be a pauper in me oul age, after all I’ve done for Ireland. Dey wont even let me be da President!! Dey offered it to Gaybo, an some bleedin Paedo was in da race until good sense prevailed. Who’s next? Bosco? Twink? J-J-Eh Je- Je, dose Spa’s from Lucan.

rabble: You mean Jedward?

Yeah.

rabble: Or maybe even your daughter Celia, the best selling author?

Celia’s doing what now? Here, I have to do me coluumn for da paper. Utd are lookin quids in for a 20th title an I’ve all those All Ireland final tickets to be sellin online, sure its the only way to make an honest buck in this new Ireland. Ah sure I’m not in da game anymore, I’m gonna put me feet up and maybe have a few scoops an go on da hill for the all Ireland final.

rabble: Enjoy the rest of the day Taoisigh.

Ah I’m off for a hair of the dog in Fagans. They won’t cash me pension though, after all I’ve done for the place, sure I’ve made it as famous as Tipsy Mcstaggers.