{Fashion Whore} Mary Mary Quite Cunt Hairy

In #rabble1, Culture, Humour, Print Edition by rabble2 Comments

Illustration by Lisa Crowne.

Last season any fashionista in the know either ditched or toned down the tan. Tango was replaced by Autumn glow or porcelain for the real trend setters. This season it’s one step bolder with the return of body hair. As of yet legs have remained silky smooth but the bikini and underarms are experiencing a counter-revolution. This is only to be expected, with shiny smooth celebs gracing the media in all their polished extremism.

A dictatorship of waxing and lasers means that female body hair is a rarity. And if there is one thing that fashion loves, darling, its rarity. So ladies ditch the razor and get growing!! The full-grown 1980s muff will be the main trend of 2012 replacing the tango deep-v that was all the rage in Saint Tropez this summer. Armpits are luscious, but trimmed, caves of delight. Maschalagnia anyone?!

The word on the catwalks is that Victoria Beckham is designing a range of fishnet stockings which will accentuate the mohair leg look. Don’t worry ladies, those of you who lasered away your darlings during the last decade will be able to avail of a range of wigs and hair pieces in a delightful array of colours, shapes and textures. Also, fresh to the market is a clever little cosmetic procedure which offers a full range of body hair implants. So plait it, dye it, bleach it if you dare. Vavajazzel?! My hiney, body hair is back!

{Fashion Whore} These boots are made for?

As I waddled, not quite as sure footed as usual, from one pub to another I thought what every women thinks at a certain point in their evening – ‘Why the hell do women put themselves through this agony?’ Of course the simple answer is they think they look more attractive. Fashionistas tell us that heels make us taller, force our backs to arch, pushing breasts forward and asses to the air. The purpose of which seems to be to make us look more like the female character out of ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’

In the mind set of most young Irish women, looking sexy involves a heel of some description and from the look of the queues outside the clubs of Harcourt Street, the higher the better. In my own experience though, I’m not sure what exactly is sexy about blisters, moaning, complaining and spending most of the night in my bare feet hoping I don’t stand on glass shards, screaming at whatever young fella is handy at the time to ‘give me a backer.’

Another reason could be that it is a dog eat dog world and women want to get ahead of the competition. To do so the dominatrix look is the order of the day, girly girls don’t get far in a man’s world, but neither do grungy tomboys. Is there really no acceptable middle ground? So it is not only the glitter clad ‘It girls’ that wear Satan’s shoes but the powerful, no-shit-taking, female business executive that makes her underlings squirm from afar as her heels clip clop ever nearer (we’ve all seen The Devil Wears Prada). Historically both men and women wore heels and they began emerging when the celebrities of the day, the kings and queens of Europe donned the raised heels; soon enough the whole court was jumping on the bandwagon. Today if Beyonce goes an inch higher so does the modern woman. Interestingly enough during the French revolution high heels disappeared from the shops as it was not so much in vogue to appear like the rich nobs. Following that logic, is it bad to wish that an angry mob revolts against female high-heel-wearing celebrities and sticks their heads on spikes, leading to shoe-volution? – RF

Comments

  1. Pingback: Alan (@AlanRouge)

  2. The idiots AKA women that wear heels and are unable to walk in them dont have my sympathy especially when the walk entails walking around with a cricket bat up their arse > NOT a good look ladies. If you can walk in them wear them. I love heels:) and wear them primarily to compensate for my height which was thrown to the dogs through a traumatic upbringing which involved daily taunts of ‘stump’ and ‘dwarf legs’ cue violin…
    I think most wear heels for the purposes mentioned above but a sizeable minority wear them for personal reasons and it then becomes a part of how they clothe themselves.

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