{Shnakey Taxes} Meet The Minister For Contempt.

Illustration By Paddy Lynch

In regards to the household charges currently being introduced, there are a lot of people out there who feel it’s not their problem or duty to take on board such a great responsibility and burden at this time. I say to you, Ireland is at a crossroads and only some of us can afford the car. I’ve been hearing a lot of the Taoiseach and so-called ‘contradictory statements’ made regarding the people of this country. And I ask ‘what contradiction’?

He simply said ‘you are not responsible for this crisis’, followed by ‘what happened in our country was that people simply went mad borrowing’. The man merely declared ‘not guilty by reason of insanity’. He’s in yer corner, lads. The fact is we are living beyond our means, by ‘we’ I of course mean all of us, and by all of us, I of course, mean you. Sacrifices have to be made and everyone has their part to play, so let us sacrifice you. Stop complaining, ‘Pull on the green jersey’ and ‘get into fight back mode’.

My fellow Minister Fergus O’Dowd said of his reception at a recent rally in Drogheda ‘I was abused going up by a man who threatened he’d pull me off’. Now lads, you might disagree with Government policy but that’s no excuse to act the wanker. Poor Fergus compared it to ‘a Nuremberg rally where you are dictated to by a small number of people’. Unfortunately unlike Nazi employment policy Fergus, there isn’t even a handjob going in the country at the moment. This is strictly a bend over Republic.

The government is doing everything it can. We are in the process of downsizing and restructuring the country. Emigration is the key and we’re letting people go. With this generation already killed off through austerity measures, our sights are on the next. Ye can call me ‘the time-bending pedophile’ because I fuck future generations now. The leaking of un-concealed threats and intimidation will be intensified, with each press-release adding to the fear, using protester’s facebook/tweet obsessions as the vehicle for dissemination. Let them scare the shit out of themselves. You may ask, why is the minister and the Taoiseach exempt from the charge? Anything else would be a breach of the terms and conditions of our employment as per agreement with the electorate upon entering Dáil Éireann. We’re doing right by you lads.

I feel your pain; after all it’s my hand that has you by the balls. It’s a lifestyle choice and this is the lifestyle we have chosen for you. At just two euro a week you should be thankful, for soon it’ll be 25. Register now online to this limited time offer austerity package deal and get a free pen, which you’ll need when your broadband is cut. Complaining is fine, so ring Joe or shout at Pat, whether up front or live as long as you keep in line.

You’re entitled to your opinion as I am mine, but opinions are a lot like arseholes, they’re mostly full of shit. It’s what you do that concerns us. You may be unhappy with all the cuts in services, and the punitive measures being imposed on your livelihoods. Get over it, living is dear, life is cheap. I’m in your corner lads.

Illustration by Redmonk