[Fashion Whores] Hot To Trot

In #rabble3, Culture, Humour, Illustration by Sharon LoveLeave a Comment

Illustration: Aoife Queen

A well-bred filly knows how to dress to impress so here’s the essential girl’s guide to winning best turned-out in the paddock.

Firstly, wax, pluck and electrolyse every stray hair. Secondly, spend as long again attaching false hair to eyelids, extensions to scalp and a wee vajazzle for that touch of class. As we never want to clash our earth and jewel tones pick your wardrobe before applying the tangerine cream to every square inch of your embarrassingly Irish marble membrane. Decide if it’s to be the animal print Missoni sheer number or the daring Donatella V strappy handkerchief; so low-cut you can tell what you had for lunch, (dry toast and champagne always, daaarling!)

Moving up. You can tell a lot about a woman by her hat. Something suitably expensive, high maintenance and vacuous should do the trick. Think Beatrice’s fascinator; you want something men can’t understand but will appreciate must be ‘in’ judging by all the other women staring incredulously.

Before that rosette is pinned to your gravity-defying chest – Accessorize! Adorn those matchy-matchy jeweled pieces and primp and preen to your heart’s content. You my dear, are a cosmopolitan lady with refined tastes, so manicure and polish your talons (like the truly sophisticated femme that you are) and don’t forget your matching bejeweled clutch, it may be impractical but it will be your best friend when Hector comes sniffing. Finish the look in a pair of toe-pinching lady shoes and a polished grin (Vaseline those teeth for day-long lip-lock).

Now sweetieees, it’s not enough to be top of the genetic food chain, you are the epitome of western culture and beauty and this is a perfect day to celebrate and slam those who don’t fit the stereotype. This ‘sport’ is arguably as important as the racing, if not more so, because this game is woven into every aspect of your so-so-stylish everyday lives. In every game there are winners and losers. We know Paddy Power’s Cheltenham ads certainly know how to spot a winner, proving so in their recent ‘spot the stallions from the mares’ adverts. In today’s slap-on-the-bum culture those unlucky enough not to fit this advantage may be freely ridiculed, but all in the name of comedy and ‘craic’. Let’s be honest girls, breeding is everything. If in any doubt you can helpfully consult Paddy Power’s new chav or chavnot app.The app shows us small images of women and asks if you can spot whether you’re ‘being exposed to a slice of orange plebeian or someone slightly more civilized’. It’s still banter RIGHT? Sexism and chauvinistic values aren’t going out of fashion anytime soon. In Irish media, let’s face it girls, we know how to put you in your place.

The overtly sexual Alchemy ads with slogans such as ‘if you’re not up for it, don’t cum’ may have punctured our sense of equality and provoked backlash but this is only a stone’s throw away from what you see everyday on your magazine stands in the so-called ‘women’s interests’ section. It’s ok though, for Italian Vogue to publish images in support of normative white beauty and mock the working class in a 16 page spread as long as these stereotypes are glamorized and butchered under the pretense of HIGH FASHION. Caitlin Moran put it well in her book How to be a woman when she wrote “you can tell whether some misogynistic societal pressure is being exerted on women by calmly enquiring, ‘And are the men doing this, as well?’ If they aren’t, chances are you’re dealing with what we strident feminists refer to as ‘some total fucking bullshit’. So this year let’s see the fashion charade extended to the gentlemen, oui?

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