[Politricks] Minister For Constipation

In #rabble4, Blog, Humour, Illustration, Politics, Print Edition by Captain Moonlight1 Comment

Illustration by Redmonk

Plenty of criticism has been levelled at this government over broken election promises. Fine Gael promised the renegotiation of bond debt and bank debts, Labour offered an alternative, it was their way or Frankfurt’s way.

Promises of improvement in health care, no cuts or fee increases in education, an easing of austerity and getting a firm grip on the injustices that the vast majority of the population were being subjected to. Yes, it’s been a costly year for us all, but rest assured, that for each u-turn we’ll be claiming travel expenses.

It’s simple we need to get out of debt. In order to get out of debt we must get access to loan facilities. In order to acquire these loans you must tacitly accept responsibility for the debt that you are not responsible for in the first place. But, now at least we’ll have the funding to tackle an ever increasing debt, which will ever increase the debt. Simple.

There’s in excess of 400,000 people lounging around at home who ‘look like they could do with a day’s work’. This government’s ambition is to make Ireland competitive. What do we mean by this? Firstly, sell off national assets to get profits rolling into the corporate sector while investing the sales revenue in administering enslave-me……public services.

Corporate and wealth tax will remain low, yours won’t. Wage competitiveness is the doorway, workers rights the lock, job insecurity the key. There will be an increased emphasis on a self service healthcare system with reduction in frontline staff countermanded by increased bureaucracy.

The key is not to cure, but to administer the cancer patient.

We will make you competitive by creating the lowest standard of living, inducing desperation and infusing exploitation. Yes, you will struggle to feed your family, to put a roof over your head; you will receive a poorer standard of living, cutbacks in education and an unaffordable third degree one. A culture of forced volunteerism for the jobseeker, will be accompanied by a program of socially enforced emigration.

There have been allegations by journalists of planning irregularities in my own constituency. Planning irregularities are a bit like taking a dump. Find a bog, throw a few bricks in it and, wipe your arse with the paperwork.

These same journos have been banging on about my refusal to pay outstanding fees to the management company for my Portuguese apartment, as though that could compare to the household tax. Would you pay a charge if you were unhappy with the service? An investigative journalist is a lot like a pile on the backside; hard to get shit past, and just when you think you’ve rid yourself of the irritation there’s two of them peeking through your back door acting the bloody arsehole.

I’ve heard it said that Fine Gael couldn’t run a tap. Bollocks. Along with the fire-sale of state assets, the household tax and the increase in state expenditure cuts, the impending introduction of water charges will certainly help sink and drain the economy.

I am the Minister for Constipation, I shit you not, so put that steering wheel on a haemorrhoid and call me a pile driver.

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