Illustrtion by Dara Lynch

After mauling the face off one of our editors, that nymphomaniac beast Sex Panther had to be returned to his rightful owner. Meet our new holistic lifestyle, advice and counselling peddlers – the Session Pixies…

Dear Session Pixies,

How often should me dog be needing a shit? James, Rathmines.

Well Now James,

That would all depend on the canine in question, its digestive tract and the type of food stuffs you would be a feeding it. I find a walk twice a day usually meets all my bow-wowsers potty needs. However by the sniff of stale fags and Guinness farts coming out of me modem when your little miracle of pondering plopped into the inbox I’d say you’re more of a feed ‘em and leave ‘em kind of guy? Dear fluffy-chops how would feel if you bestest buddies fed ya up and left ya shut in a room when they went on the lash? I bet ya wouldn’t be too far off shiteing all over the carpet yourself. Bring rover with ya will ya?! Even pooches need a social life and when carefully fitted with saddlebags they can be an excellent companion on carry-out missions.

Dear Session Pixies,

I have loads of old beer cans lying around the house. Any tips on how I could efficiently recycle them, without having to haul them all down to the green bins?

Eileen, Phibsboro

Dear Eileen,

Consider stringing them together by the ring-pulls to make an elegant and unique necklace, perhaps with matching earrings? Or fashion them into a blingin’ stab proof trackie and selling them at the upcoming David Guetta gig in Marlay Park.

Dear Session Pixies,

What the hell is PMA?

Yours Rupert, Nutwood.

I’m thinking that you don’t mean Positive Mental Attitude here Rups but rather para-methoxyamphetamine. There is nothing positive about this stuff Rups. It’s the crap that’s linked to a number of deaths throughout Europe and in those overdoses at SHM. In the UK it’s turned up in batches of Einsteins, and here in Double Cherries. When Alexander Shulgin (he invented it) says stay away you should probably listen. Unless you’re a serious chemist, you’ll not identify it with a pill testing kit. Your best bet is to check before you buy on sites such as pillreports.com or bluelight.ru. Try to avoid shovelling lots of unknown substances down your gullet in one go. There’s fuck all sign of the authorities here adopting any serious harm reduction strategies such as letting punters know which batches are dodgy. Their moralistic finger waving just produces more ODs, as profit mongering scumbags at the top of the chemical supply chain dump adulterated shite on us unsuspecting pillheads and weekend warriors. Play safe.

Dear Session Pixies, I went on the lash for 2 days, passed out on some random cunts couch, and when I woke up someone or something had robbed all my money and shat in my mouth. I have heard tell of similar occurrences being attributed to you and your ilk… is it true?

Hangin in Harold’s Cross

Dear Hangin,

Riddle me this, riddle me that, you should never pass out you silly twat.