Session Pixies: Holistic Lifestyle Column from #rabble5

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Yes folks, they are back and rested after a summer wrecking heads in festival campsites by corrupting Gala’s Freed From Desire into a tale of love that has no money, but a bag of Es – and singing it fucking loud at the wrong side of 9am. It’s your friendly local filth peddlers.

Dear Session Pixies,

I stopped taking pills and smokin’ dope 2 years ago. Now I’m bored by my mates banging on about getting high. If I have to listen to them express their surprise at how they got ‘fucking wired!’ one more time I’m gonna lose it. How do I make them shut the fuck up? Rob, Ballybough.

Wee Robbie,

Don’t be so hard on your mates. They clearly lead a simple existence which involves little more than getting blasted at the weekend and baked during the week. While you might have moved on, the grown-up world can be a scary place and sometimes it’s just easier to shite on about the old reliables like which little fellas will leave ya more mashed than a pot of spuds.

If it’s really bothering you, try shouting ‘Booorrrr-ing’ at the top of your voice when the topic comes up. Or you could enter an account of genital rot resulting from the yoke de jour on PillReports. com and bring it to the attention of yer mates to try scare them straight. Or just find some new mates.

Dear Session Pixies,

My girlfriend is really angry because I keep printing pictures of her sister off of Facebook and sticking them into a special scrapbook. How can I study in peace when she keeps at me all the time? John, Portobello.

Dear John,

Try to find quiet times during the day to set aside as ‘me’ time, and in which you can work undisturbed. Sit your girlfriend down and explain to her in no uncertain terms that she is not to bother you during these times. Routine is essential, so try to stick to a schedule as much as possible. Perhaps set your alarm to wake an hour earlier in the morning, as often the most quality learning is done when the mind is fresh after a good night’s sleep. Good luck!

Dear Session Pixies,

I’m a 32 year old solicitor, living a skiny latte lifestyle in the gritty gaybourhood of D8. Me ma has me head wrecked. Her phone calls are an interrogation – she’s OD’d on Liveline and keeps warning me to stay away from water cos some dude drowned in Oz. Now some biddy down her Silver Surfer course told her about email scams and she thinks my Nigerian neighbours are trying to steal my wages and transfer chickens into my bank account. What am I to do?

Risteard

Dear Risteard,

The Pixies believe that honesty just gets you into trouble. However, on this occasion, invite the Ma up to the big smoke for a day out. Bring her along to the food co-op for a latte and introduce her to your mate, Adejola the nice Nigerian guy from next door. While the coffee drains and the truth dawns she’ll forget all about the inherent dangers of D8 living (dog poo, scarcity of arborio rice and the occasional street ‘character’).

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