A few days ago, his most arseholey eminence Cardinal Brady offered his resignation to the big papa priest in Rome. Survivors of sexual abuse urged a speedy acceptance but we’re still left waiting for the pope’s sign off. Frustrated with waiting, Paul Doyle turned his imagination to the contents of Brady’s resignation letter.
It is with deep regret and a heavy heart that I must today request that you accept my resignation.
As I am growing older (75 years, and many more, God willing!), I am finding myself increasingly unable to meet the very demanding physical schedule that my job entails.
But what a career it’s been! Who’d have thought that an ambitious young man from County Cavan could rise to such heights!
In my role as priest, bishop, and cardinal, I have stood firmly against the right of Irish women to have full bodily autonomy, and it was with joy that I carried on the great moral Church’s tradition of expressing contempt for the European Court of Human Rights. I am proud to have been a chink in the chain that the church has wrapped around the uteri of Irish women. Sluts.
I cannot find the words to express the joy in my heart when I had the privilege of making a concerted effort to stop homosexual people having the same rights as straight people. The Church’s horrendous attitude toward gays (even Catholic gays!) has been a remarkable accomplishment. To have been a part of it, I am truly grateful.
It was with great zeal, that, rather than inform the authorities, we moved the evil Father Brendan Smyth (remember Ol Bren?) around from parish to parish, effectively paying for a paedophile rapist to go on a world tour. To my knowledge, the Catholic Church is the only organisation in the world that has paid for child rapists to move around unannounced (surprise!) from town to town, country to country, child’s nightmare to child’s nightmare.
I am proud to have played a small role in enabling him to commit crimes against children for over forty years, and forcing victims to take a vow of silence. I suspect some of them may have enjoyed it, anyway. I am also delighted see that the great Catholic tradition of enabling child abuse, then feigning remorse while blocking legal action from victims is set to continue, even in my absence.
I had felt I had accomplished all that I could during my life in the footsteps of Christ, until I was promoted to the position of Cardinal in 2007, further humiliating victims of Brendan Smyth. As is the case with any promotion, there were a few begrudgers (victims, eh?), but they were probably just jealous.
The spit will wipe off their faces, the smile on mine however, never will!
As I reach my mid seventies, I am simply unable to continue this important and demanding job. I trust that you will find a suitable replacement, committed to the cause of the church.
Following a life’s work, I am looking forward to a long retirement.
Then I face judgement.
Illustration by Thibaut Loiez.