Session Pixies: Holistic Lifestyle Column from #rabble9

In #rabble9, Blog, Humour, Illustration, The Session Pixies by rabbleLeave a Comment

SessionPixiesColour2wAdidas2Festival season is over so there’s no more pissing on other people’s tents for this pair of reprobates. winter is coming and that means foraging in the reduce to clear aisle while you pricks bend their ears.

Dear Session Pixies,

I am in a muddle. I love two men. One is my ex.-boyfriend who wants to come back to me, the other is my current boyfriend. Both are lovely men, but feel more spiritually attached to my ex. I am unable to make a decision. Do you have any tips?

Mindfucked in Malahide

Three words: poppers and pills. Bring them both out on the town, get hammered, take a few pills each and huff poppers til your heads feel like hot air balloons. Bring the two lads home, have a buzzed up tryst on a blanket on the floor. Undoubtedly the pills will result in some less than erect peni, and you’ll all end up in a soppy cuddle-puddle stroking each others ankles. Now here’s the trick: you’ll be able to make your choice next time you see them. The one who goes red and can’t look you in the eye is the one that needs to be tossed away like a used johnnie. The one who has a laugh about it and asks if you want to do it again next week is the keeper. On the off chance they’re both sound out, have a 3-way relationship like a bunch of modern trendy wankers. It is the 21st century after all!

Dear Session Pixies,

My daughter lives out of town, and is expecting her first child. We would like to give her a baby shower but she cannot attend. How does one go about giving a baby shower without the mother-to -be present?

Yours ‘gis us a job, Jamie A.

The normal way to do this would be to put the baby under some running water and gently clean its body, as well as lightly shampooing its hair. Be sure to make sure the water is tepid to luke-warm, as a baby’s skin is quite sensitive. Also be sure to use products that aren’t too harsh. The Boots range is quite good, and the Johnson’s range has always been a family favourite.

Dear Session Pixies,

I miss The Slate.

Kim.

Looks like you best fire up the DeLorean and fuck off back to 2001 so. I hear the internet is great.

Alright pettles?

Meself and the brother were down at the Ploughing. Three days double dropping Guinness and Crested Tens, robbing pens off them banks and making a show of ourselves caterwauling around, scuttering drunk clutching bags of free brochures about modern German tractors with computers for engines. When we got back to Ballyhuskardwe popped down some local to see was anyone dead so we could go scabbing at the wakes. Now, here’s the question do you’ve any fucking idea who I am? There’s a bag of sugar here with me and he doesn’t know either.

Big Lad, Wexford. xxx

Big lad, ancient Irish lore states that the best way to find your way home after being kidnapped by the session is to turn all your clothes inside out and walk backwards the way you came. Best of luck with it. Ask the bag of sugar for help.

Dear Session Pixies,

I’ve had terrible trouble sleeping of late, and despite trying all the popular cures, from herbal teas and scented candles, to meditation and cutting out sugar and caffeine from my diet, I just can’t seem to get my mind to relax. I’d do anything for a good night’s sleep. Please help!

Sleepless in Sandyford

We feel your pain! After a long weekend out on the tiles, we sometimes find sleep to be an elusive mistress. The sandman doesn’t seem to like being around the snowman, if you know what we mean. Anyway, after years of experimenting with various potions and pills, we have come up with an all-natural, all-inclusive, chemical free, unisex, fool-proof solution, with no harmful additives or preservatives… It’s an ancient artform we like to call, “Wanking Yourself to Sleep”, and it works like a charm every time, in any weather. It goes a bit like this: have an oul’ wank, and if that doesn’t work, have another, and another if needs be. In no time at all you’ll be off in noddy-noddy land with visions of sugarplums dancing in your head. You can be as gentle or as vigorous as you like, just go for gold and don’t stop ‘til you get to the top!

Leave a Comment