The Quango Queen entered mainstream politics in 2004 when she was appointed to the Irish Council of State. Since then she has shown a flare for getting appointed to numerous well-paid jobs for the boys; yet when it comes to policies, she’s practically running on being female and called Mary alone.  Her presidential campaign had a good start, with all that emphasis on her Special Olympics work – things became unstuck when her 150k salary, extras from God knows how many committees and Photoshopped Special K posters were factored in.

Do say: You look good in red Don’t say: You’ve a degree in PE, how’s that make you fit to sit on a bank’s board?

Martin McGuinness – Sinn Fein

Sinn Fein polled only about 10% of the vote in the last Dail election, and given the hostility towards the party from some quarters, it looked like our Marty was bound for early retirement. However, even repeated concern about youthful career choices couldn’t stop this junior Chuckle Brother’s momentum early on. Despite commentators’ concerns, no other candidate could claim such solid experience in heading up the armed forces. Yet, when it came to the crunch, not even the allure of cheap petrol and dodgy fags doled out to the masses from diplomatic briefcases could stop history taking its toll.

Do say: How’s wee Ian? Don’t say:1980s a decade for killer fashion, non?!

David Norris – Independent

Initially Norris was leading the field but a flurry of ill-advised sound-bites and some seriously dodgy letter writing nearly put an end to this eccentric Áras contender. He stepped down only to step back up again, but unfortunately the erratic nature of his campaign took its toll on voter confidence. Although his star has faded somewhat he is still the best candidate for witty off the cuff remarks. Refreshingly honest and ahead of his time, Norris may not win the race but he definitely livened it up.

Do say: Give us a line from Joyce there boss. Don’t say: The ancient Greeks, now they really knew a thing or two about a boy’s education.

Sean Gallagher – Continuity Fianna Fail

Famous for gambling on pipe-dreams on Dragons’ Den, this one time Galway races contender came from the back to romp to a poll lead of 40%. Gallagher’s a man to teach the nation a thing or two about defaulting on loans. He also does a good line on emigration: if one half of the nation fails the Fianna Fail blind taste test, then a sizable chunk of the rest will make a beeline for the ferry. Many out there think we need an entrepreneur to sell the country; can we just remind you that the last executive board he sat on done just that. Next…

Do say: Can I get a sub? Don’t say: Much craic down the OgraFF conference then?

Michael D – Labour

The white haired poet has consistently been at the head of the table, buoyed up by his good sportsmanship with the Norris’ nomination campaign. The man himself has rarely put a foot wrong, but his party seems to be having an identity crisis – which is probably why he’s so attractive to Blueshirt voters. However, as the only alternative to ‘FF-by-the-backdoor’ Gallagher he could still steal this one from under the gecko’s nose.

Do say: I’d love to hear a poem. Don’t say: Oil and gas reserves now there is a little earner.

Gay Mitchell – FG

Grey, dull and washed out – Gay was never the first choice for FG candidate but got there in the end. With his own party deserting him in droves, he’s playing the sympathy card with all the grace of a snotty school kids being slagged for always having their hand up. Lately, an ill-advised smear campaign against Martin McGuinness eroded his standing in the polls. We also have it on good authority that he’s the bastard off spring of ALF and Pat Kenny.

Do say: Smile Don’t say: So 1974, great year for Bordeaux.

Dana – Independent

Dana is not a transgender singer (unfortunately) but a right-wing fanatic who started her political career by trying to deny a rape victim the choice of termination in the UK . This one is as paranoid as Ronald Regan, hyping a car tyre blow out into an assassination attempt. Two minutes in the Aras, and she’d have us invading the Zoo to stop the apes living in sin. Is there a good thing about her seeking office? Of course, her campaign is diverting funds away from Youth Defence.

Do say: Fuck off Don’t say: We hear your brother is into all kinds of everything too?