It’s happened all of us at some point or another. Nature calls and you’ve nowhere to go. You try a pub and some smarmy wank-badger at the bar points at the ‘toilets are for customer’s use only’ sign. Time is running out and your choices are slim.
You can either soil yourself or resort to the depressing shit-smeared stainless steel jax in McDonalds. Well, fear not! We have compiled this list of (mostly) more agreeable lavatory services especially for you, weary traveller…
Breeze in past the smelly shit and weird women with crap all over their faces trying to convince other women that they need crap all over their faces, take the escalator up a floor or two to the overpriced homeware and stupid trinkets that posh people enjoy.
There’s some fierce nice toilets up here. Perfect for that saturday afternoon emergency, and much better than that stainless steel alternative in Mickey D’s or Burger King across the road. There’s also free coffee on the go just in case you need that extra push…
Fallon & Byrne
It almost pains me to write this, as the thought of my own personal excretory paradise being overrun by the unworthy is very upsetting, but I have chosen to share for the greater good of all Dubliners. On the second floor of the fancypants food establishment Fallon & Byrne of Exchequer Street, lies a pristine pisshole the likes of which I have never encountered in our fair city before.
An Elysium of excrement. Marble floors, piped in music ranging from Bob Dylan (not conducive to shitting) to Sade (very conducive to shitting), and a range of post-dump cleanup facilities including lavish handsoap, body wash (!) and your choice of hand dryer or 3-ply paper towels.
I have never encountered another soul within these hallowed walls (very important, as solitude is key for a high-tier dump), and I always feel a little thrill of illicit excitement when bypassing the aisles of overpriced breakfast cereals and fruits that I am unable to identify and ascending to the facilities. This suggests to me that these bathrooms are not intended for public use, so don’t ruin it for the rest of us by getting caught on your way for a surreptitious deuce-drop.
Although not the most luxurious or secret hideaway the city has to offer, this little baby has saved us on many a loose-ringed afternoon. It’s on the second floor of Easons, past that weird cafe that elderly women seem so fond of and through that record shop that NOBODY is ever buying any fucking records in. Seriously, how the fuck have they stayed in business so long?
The Central Hotel
A friendly countryman tipped us off to this one. Just off George’s Street. Apparently the toilets are well kept and relaxing and, what’s more, you can relieve yourself in the company of greatness, as a portrait of none other than Mikhail Gorbachev hangs on the wall. The Central hotel is also home to another of Dublin’s well kept secrets as it happens…
And the rest
Some good laneways we’ve been tipped off about are Temple Bar’s Bedford Lane, whose curvature creates a defilade against prying eyes, the laneway behind the Gaiety, off Grafton St., and Dawson Lane (also good drinking spots for our younger or more broke readers). And for the more discerning shitters and pissers among you: The Shelbourne (“Stride confidently, but not quickly, straight back. The facilities are immaculate.”), Powerscourt Shopping Centre, top floor, Gresham Hotel on O’Connell St. (“walk toward the back and they’re on the left”), The Westin Hotel on Westmoreland St.(“Downstairs, right by the Mint Bar. Best jacks in the city.”), Avoca on Suffolk St., Epicurean Food Hall on Abbey/Liffey St., National Concert Hall, the The Morrison on Swifts Row apparently has some serious urinals, M&S third floor on Mary St., IMMA in Kilmainham, and finally, the Westbury Hotel by Bruxelles.