{Sex Panther} Our Columnist Prowls in Print.

In #rabble1, Humour, Print Edition by Sex Panther3 Comments

Illustration by Anarchobot

 

In our regular column Sex Panther gives advice on the carnal side of modern life.

Sex Panther, Rawr!

I am a middle aged man I have a well paid job in the media. My 17 year old daughter has a friend, let’s call her ‘Helen’. Helen is around a lot, she flirts with me constantly, and though I see the two of them engaging in nothing but normal teenage pursuits (my daughter by the way with a touching innocence, reminiscent of a slow motion Visconti youth), I am deeply aroused. I know from Helen’s looks, her approval of my incessant inappropriate sexual talk, and the fact that I stole several indecent pictures of her from her phone, that she has the sexual confidence and dead eyed determination of a 5 year Wesley veteran. My wife has no interest in anything other than expensive German kitchenware ,and the many sex-workers I use make me feel guilty with their apathy and disgust. I know I shouldn’t take this girl out and get her dangerously drunk, but I feel so entitled, and 17 is the new 30 eh? Frustrated, Lucan.

Rawr! This dilemma had me up all night….watching Porn!! Listen pal, I’m Sex Panther, if you don’t provide me with these photos and the girls number I’m going to maul you to death and then show your wife that there is more to do in a German kitchen but cook and be depressed. No brainer.

 

Sex Panther Rawr!

Sex Panther I have been a nun for many years. I heard the Lord’s calling at a young age and I took my orders (like a good nun) from the Carmelite Monastery of the Immaculate Conception Roebuk in Dublin. For many years now I have been honoured to serve the lord in Paraguay. Ah, the Magnificence of the Iguasso Falls and the incomparable jungle, that must bring tears of longing to your eyes mighty beast?! We live a quiet, dutiful life of work and prayer. Every week a Mestizo boy, I’ll call him, Alejaaandro delivers fresh produce from a local farm. He is a shy boy of but 18 summers, he is considerate and respectful, and often tells us of his adventures in the jungle and of his deep devotion to Christ. The sweat glistens on his chiselled naked torso in the midday sun like translucent starbursts. I often have to stop from swooning and must think mightily of the torments of Christ! At night I conjure his form before me like some wanton devil woman, his hands steadfast yet timid, his tongue busy and tender as a baby basilisk. I have never known torment like this, I am raging out of control beast. What am I to do?

Sr Immaculate

Rawr! Once in a while this gig really is akin to having your capybara and eating it. I help people and I get to feel young again. I was sired in that very region, I swam the falls in my youth and drank from its torrential emerald floor. My mighty roars were heard from Asunción to the Chaco. I remember you nuns out there in the wilderness and I went easy on you. Think not of Christ Sister, think ye of Sodom and Gomorra! Those fabled cities of fun and SIN!! You owe it to Panthers and Panthettes of all denominations to turn these frankly pedestrian dreams into reality’. You are used to orders sister, here’s mine, CORRUPT!! This boy. Life is short, Mestizo boys of these dimensions who aren’t on crack are few and far between sister. Get down on your knees and pray! Pray to Panther, happy hunting. Rawr!

Sex Panther Rawr!

I’m a man who spends more time fiddling with his hair than with women, does this make me a Dublin Hipster?

Rawr! No, but it makes you unworthy of comment. Panther out.

Comments

  1. Pingback: JJ (@twittmoss)

  2. Sex panther, I have a most pressing quandary which I fear must be addressed before one is plunged into the depths of desperation and driven beyond the brink of madness. I have recently partaken in movember and in the space of a few weeks grown a very fine mustache, that with some care and time could be categorised as a Burt Reynolds. This accomplishment has given me some feeling of pride in the rapacious growth capacity of my facial follicles. Although I have noticed changes have also occurred in one’s lifestyle concurrent to the changes of ones upper lip. These changes have came in the way women interact with me, in a most different manner than when I supported a naked upper lip. I’ve always had such difficulty in approaching or interacting with the opposite sex that I was considering the purchase of a “real as life” sex doll. However, since growing a fine manly mustache I find women often approach me with large warm smiles they seem to find my jokes hilarious and conversation so interesting. I know this is strange behaviour as my sense of humour is quite awful, almost Teutonic. As for the dull boring drivel that Is excreted from mouth which I pass as conversation. Well I have been told by good authority and on numerous occasions that I make Enda Kenny look charismatic. I know this female attention is unwarranted, however I find one self taking full advantage of my new found sexual allure over women at every given opportunity. I have found this blessing turning evermore into a curse as my new power of attraction starts to scare me. One’s member is now so tender form over use that I feel every stitch in my briefs. I find my self unable to shave off the mustache as it would be like killing him! Pray tell, Sex Panther share with me, a mere novice in the world of rampant sexuality, some of your formidable carnalistic knowledge. I need mentoring on how to survive with such animal attraction I fear, one may emasculate one self through over indulgence if these tendencies are not reigned in?

  3. Sex Panther, I came to the conclusion that in life. That I have a definite destiny, which I sometimes catch glimpses of. On more than one occasion I have experienced deja vu during in very particular experiences I’ve had in my lifetime. Many of these experiences have been sexual and I find them leading on to ever more, ‘experiences’. I know i’m destined for a long and exhaustive lust laden existence, I willingly acknowledge my destiny and fulfill it constantly , however as I get older I seem to lose drive and potency. Can you offer any advice on how regain my lustre?

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